remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
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How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
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Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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