I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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