my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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