Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize