Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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