this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
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