I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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