Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
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A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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