You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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