i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
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Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
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I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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