I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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