my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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