so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
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Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
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I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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