I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
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I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
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From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
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