I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
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How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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