Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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