White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
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Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
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A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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