update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize