Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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