Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
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Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
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i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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