new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
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She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
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I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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