oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
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just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
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When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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