When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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