she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
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Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
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If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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