also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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