when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
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Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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