Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
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Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
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She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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