Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
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Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
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The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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