I met the friendliest cop last night
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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