My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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