I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
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I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
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If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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