she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
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I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
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We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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