Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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