You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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