I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
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I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
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I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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