i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
