His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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