Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize