all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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