saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
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I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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