It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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