That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
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I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
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And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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