why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
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I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
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He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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