my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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