just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
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that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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