Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
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you will always have a special place in my vag
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
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I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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