I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
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all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
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We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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