i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
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when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
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My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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