He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
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someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
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how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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