please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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